|
-- Page
2 --
Contact
Rocky
Dmordol
writes: I would like to express my extreme disappointment with
"Rocky's Musings." After paying my annual 150 dollars to join in this message board, I felt that
rocky would be responding to all posts. I was hoping for daily, then I hoped
at least for once a week. Now I find that he might check in twice a year at
the most. I'm starting to think that there might not even be a Rocky, and
that I've been duped. I want my money back.
david
two:
HER ALL-AMERICAN FRECKLES VISIBLE PERHAPS HER ALL TOO LIGHTLY
BASED PANCAKE MAKE-UP, TRUANT OFFICER GLAUSCH SMILED SWEEETLY.
DAVID'S APPEARANCE WAS DRAMATICALLY ALTERED, THAT WAS FOR SURE. WHACKING HIS EXTERNALIZED
MULTI-NIPPLED BILE SAC OFF AT IT'S BASE BECAME
THE BRIEFEST CONSIDERATION. DRINKING IT'S CONTENTS AND GRANTING HIMSELF HIS SIXTH POWER, THE POWER OF GREEN SLIME MONSTERHOOD WITH AN INTERNALIZED
MULTI-NIPPLED BILE SAC, OR PERHAPS SOMETHING EVEN BETTER. BUT THE UNKNOWN REPERCUSSIONS SEEMED JUST TO UNSEEMLY. BESIDES, DAVID WAS SAVING
HIS SIXTH POWER; THE POWER OF BIG FLUSHING TEAR DUCTS. FOR A RAINY DAY. HE GAVE HIS EXTERNALIZED
MULTI-NIPLED BILE SAC A LITTLE TWEAK. IT WAS
SENSITIVE; YES, VERY MUCH SO IN FACT. AND DAVID COULD'NT HELP BUT
WONDER IF HE HAD GAINED AN ADDITIONAL ERRONEOUS ZONE.
greenkite express
Baxter muses:
dirty damp either rag...
it does't have to be halloween to dress up. i saw this dwight york fella
the other day. i think he's in a 80's cover band. why else would a boy his
age have a pony tail. bi-curious, maybe.
well i have to go now. my puppet is hungry. and hunger leads to violence,
and that leads to sleep overs! thats right it's time for homecoming and
daddy has a kooky coursage.
baxter,
''in odd we trust''
Baxter
continues:
hi note -- the paragraph break between first and second sentences. please
notify me as to when you are ready for my next silly musing.
dr. gil morgan (pro golfer)
Vile
File Guy to Baxter: Robby baby,
I will be in town this week. Please
let me know if this is the week you were going to be there, too. We can
rif. I love the way you Jazz up the world...........As always, Mister Good Touch, Bad Touch, Don't tell Ma
Baxter responds:
papa dont preach,
sorry daddy love pouch, i'll be up there nov. 13+14. hows your newyork ''hey
look at me'' tour going. gotta goe santas sore.
buy some barrets. you're still my hero. now when i say hero i mean a guy
who went to vietnam, smoked enhanced lsd produced by the cia, came home
picked up vagarants from along side the road, pleasured them, then killed
them, the whole time working at a car wash where he would defecate in
peoples trunks. now thats a hero.
GEEZ THAT KNOBLAUCH IS A TWIT. THE NEW YORK YANKEES HAVE BEEN WEARING
PINSTRIPES SINCE 1915, BUT THEY SHOULD MAKE CHUCK WEAR POLKA DOTS. JUST SO THE CYNICAL BRONX FANS CAN GO.....'HEY! WHO'S THAT CLOWN ON
SECOND?'
greenkite express
THE TEN GREATEST MOTION PICTURES OF ALL TIME............DON'T EVEN
BOTHER DISAGREEING WITH ANY OF THESE. PEOPLE WILL LABEL YOU A FOOZLE AND MOCK YOU BEHIND YOUR BACK.
AFTER ALL.........WHO BETTER THAN ME TO
JUDGE........I'VE SEEN THEM ALL.......PLUS, I HAVE THE (IFC) INDEPENDENT
FILM CHANNEL. NUFF SAID >>>>>>>>
>>>>>>>> >>>>>>>>>>
>>>>>>> >>>>>>>>>
>>>>>>NO.10shaneWOULD HAVE BEEN RANKED HIGHER IF THE KID WOULD HAVE CHASED THE BADLY WOUNDED
GUNSLINGER DOWN AND RETURNED HIM TO HIS ADULTRESS MOTHER FOR TREATMENT>>>>>>>NO. 9the
gazebo (starring glenn ford)MODERN CINEMA'S GREATEST CHARACTER ACTOR IN HIS
FINEST ROLE, IF YOU HAVEN'T SEEN IT.......A PIGEON DROPS THE BULLET (IMPERATIVE FORENSICS EVIDENCE) ON THE COPS HAT AT THE
END>>>>>>>>>NO.8the idolmakerPRODUCED BACK WHEN PETER GALLAGHER WAS STILL
HANDSOME>>>>>>>>>>>NO.7the cutting edgeA SLIPPERY TAMING OF THE
SUPERBITCH>>>>>>>NO.6after hoursWHEN OF MOVIE CRITIC OF MY STATURE CAN RECITE
EVERY LINE OF DIALOUGE AS HE WATCHES THIS MASTERPIECE OVER AND OVER AND OVER AGAIN......YOU KNOW ITS GOOD>>>>>>>>>NO. 6 the
living dead 2EXCELLENT ZOMBIE ACTION>>>>>>>>>NO.4les
miserables (the original)A GOOD BREAD STEALING LESSON
FORTEENAGERS >>>>>>>>NO.3the emerald forestYOU WOULD'NT GUESS THIS ENDING IN A KAZILLION
YEARS. AND I AM NOT TELLING YOU. I AM NOT LIKE THAT ANYMORE>>>>>>>>>>>NO.2the devil in miss
jonesBAD GUY, BAD GIRL>>>>>>>>>NO. 1rover
dangerfieldIF YOU HAVE"NT
SEEN IT........YOU SIMPLY WOULD'NT UNDERSTAND.
greenkite express
Rocky
muses:
ONCE A WEEK I TAKE A ONE
HALF BLOCK SKIP. MANY PEOPLE THINK ADULT MEN SKIPPING IS A GAY, BUT I DON'T
CARE. MY SKIP IS GRACEFUL, BRISK AND MAKES, ME FEEL LIKE A KID AGAIN. ACTUALLY,
I DO CARE AND SKIP ONLY WHEN I THINK KNOW ONE I KNOW WILL BE WATCHING. AND
THAT'S ONE THING I WOULD LIKE TO CHANGE ABOUT MYSELF. SOMETIMES SKIPPING IS THE
FUNNIEST THING I DO ALL DAY. AND IT SEEMS LIKE EVERY TIME A WOMAN ASKS ME IF I'M
GAY I END UP HAVING SEX WITH HER. I'M NOT SURE WHAT THIS MEANS. I JUST WISH MORE
WOMEN WOULD ASK ME IF I WAS GAY.
Dave
Mordal responds: All right. So I tried skipping. And I'm really sorry to say this, but I felt
very gay. Seriously. After a half a block of skipping I began to notice how beautiful
the male form really is. I'm home now. No more skipping. It may be fine for you but, I'm not
trying it again. Have you noticed that city blocks are getting shorter and shorter? They used
to be quite long. What's happened to them? Where are the long city blocks? If you ask me it's just another case of the government screwing us. BRING BACK
THE REASONABLY LONG CITY BLOCK! I will not mention bodily functions again. Nor shall I skip. Although I am a
Dancer.
Rocky:
I
HAVE RECEIVED SEVERAL E-MAILS ASKING ME IF I DRINK BLEACH. SOME HAVE IMPLORED ME
TO STOP DRINKING BLEACH. PEOPLE HAVE BEEN TELLING ME THAT THEY'VE HEARD I DRINK
BLEACH FOR YEARS. I'VE SPENT SO MUCH TIME DENYING THESE ACCUSATIONS THAT I'VE
FORGOTTEN THE ENTIRE TRUTH. I'VE TASTED BLEACH. WELL I HAVE A VAGUE REMEMBRANCE OF TASTING BLEACH. SO I JUST TASTED IT AGAIN. IT WAS THE SAME. DON'T DO THIS.
YOUR LIFE ADVISOR, rocky johnson
Craig
Allen responds: I
once thought I smelled bleach on another person's breath. But it could have just
been Fritos Corn Chips. They smell much the same. But I still think he was
drinking bleach. Is there any way to be sure? Maybe a test where I put a cup of
Clorox and a bag of Fritos equidistant from the person, and note which one he
moves towards. (Bet it's the bleach). What would be a good control for this
experiment? If this person has a genuine bleach problem, how do we help him?
Clorox Detox?
Dwight
responds to Craig reponse:
Were they a cock sucker?
I've heard that there is a slight hint of bleach in semen. Of course I don't
wouldn't know for sure, I don't do laundry.
And
later Dwight adds: Rocky
was upset that I would use offensive speech on the message board. He says its
for the children, too. And, besides, I don't need to use four letter words to
make people laugh. When I wrote "cock sucker" in my last posting I
could just as well have used the a phrase like "fellatio technician."
Sorry again for my thoughtless, insensitive, unnecessary use of vulgarity.
Clinton is almost out of office, we should not have to hear any more talk of
semen -- as a stain on a dress or the way it smells. My promise: if I ever use
the word "cock" on this page again it will be referring to the male chicken.
And please let this be a lesson for us all. Lets make the internet a safe and
fun place for everybody.
Hardware:
I once read,
somewhere, one of the greatest one liners in the world. "Too many freaks,
not enough circuses."
Willy writes:
I have a pet frog who is
a real freak. He only eats crickets head first. My cat is sometimes freaky too.
He will twitch his tail to the beat of the music sometimes but only when he
thinks the frog is not watching. My frog's name is Sydney. My cat I call
Whisker's but his name is really Einstien.
Rocky responds:
HE HE HE, LOVED YOUR FROG
STORY WILLY! MOTION GARNERS ATTENTION. I TOO TWITCH MY TAIL ONLY WHEN NO ONES
WATCHING TO THE POINT WHERE TOO FEW PEOPLE KNOW I EVEN HAVE ONE. AND YOU
HARDWARE........YOUR FREAK QUOTE WAS A CLASSIC. I FIGURE IT TAKES ABOUT TEN
FREAKS TO MAKE UP A DECENT FREAK CIRCUS. UNLESS YOUR TALKING ABOUT THOSE STRANGE
FREAKS WHO CAN'T COMPREHEND THAT THEY INDEED ARE FREAKS (THUS DOUBLING THERE
FREAK QUOTIENT). IN THIS CASE, IT TAKES BUT A HANDFUL. BUT I ASK YOU IN GOD'S
NAME, WOULD YOU BUY COTTON CANDY AT SUCH A SORRY AFFAIR?
Snappers
sad truth: IT'S
ILL CONCOCTOR DESERVES A FLOGGING. DAM THE SADISTICALLY CRUEL GENIUS WHO
INVENTED THIS BRUTAL GAME. OFFERING PROMISE CARDS GALORE ONLY TO BREAK YOUR
HEART TIME AND TIME AGAIN WITH THE BUT WICKEDLY CRUEL FLICK OF THE DEALER'S
WRIST. BLACKJACK IS MAN'S WAY OF GETTING EVEN WITH MISERY. YET PRECIOUS FEW OPEN
SPACES TO BE FOUND IN THE BIG CASINO'S MASSIVE PARKING LOT. BELIEVE IF YOU MUST,
BUT I CAN SEE YOU.........LOSER!!!!!!!!
Freaky scrabble
what if the only letters i
scrabble were : F,R,E,A,K ?
well i kinda wondered...
F
FREAK
E R
A
FEAR
A E
R A
R
freak across for 32,far down for 11,reaf down for 14,fear across for 7,ear down
for 3,rear down for 5.... go ahead and add some words
god bless harry carry:
MANY
PEOPLE THINK GENETIC ENGINEERING IS MORALLY WRONG. PERSONALLY, I'M HOPING THEY
DEVELOP A FRESH WATER GAME FISH WITHOUT BONES OR SCALES THAT JUMPS IN THE BOAT
AND COOKS ITSELF. IS THAT A SIN, OR JUST LAZINESS? fORGIVE ME FOR SLOTH. I'D
GIVE THOSE FUCKERS A FOURTH TOE AND SOME GIDDYUP AND GO
POWER!..........................................SEE YOU AT WRIGLEY.......sammy
Rocky: BLONDES
OF STRIFE SINGING OF TURBO AMBROSIA. GABRIEL THE UNINFORMED AWAITING EVENTS
TRANSPIRED. HALF ASSED TOTALITARIANS. MERCHANT CINDY DISPENSING VASODIALATORS
VIA FEVERFEW COOKIES. TOOTHLESS DOGBOYS FROM PITTSVILLE GUMMING THEIR BONES.
SNAPPING SHARPENED TAILS AS A SUBLIMINAL THREAT TO ANY WOULD-BE PREDATORS.
YOHIMBE NIGHT SAILORS VIGORISHLY SCRAPING NICKEL SIZED BARNICLES OFF OF THEIR
SKIP BOOTS BELOW BERRY. THEIR SUBORDINATES SQUIGGLING SNAZZY CLIFF NOTES IN
SUPPORT BEAMS UNDER MAIN. IMPECUNOUS STERILE COWBOYS AND THE CRIINALLY DECEASED.
DAVID FAVORED 7TH AFTER SCHOOL. NAKED SCHMOIE RUNNING SKIMBLE SKAMBLE ON THE
GOSSIP POLE. SLICKENNING IT WITH OTHERS PEOPLES BEEZWAX. THE HOLLOW VARIANCE OF
DARKSIDERS AND THEIR SPAWN. TATTERED TODDLER PULLING SQUEAKING RADIO FLYER. ONE
WILTED PETUNIA WAVERING IN IT'S BED. TRUANT OFFICER GLAUSCH EMERGED FROM THE
RIVERBANK BADGE HELD HIGH............."7TH STREET WEIRDIES REMAIN
CALM!"
Craig Allen responds:
enjoy
your
magnetic
poetry kit
while you
can! I will
destroy u
ee cummings
who
is this craig allen? SHIMPSIUS
SHIMALAEUS READING CHILLINGSWORTH ALL SCARED LOOKING. WRAITHS......NASTY HOOTIE
FLASHBACK PERHAPS? CRAIG ALLENS RESPONSE TO 'DAVID ONE' WAS CERTAINLY WORTHY OF
NOTEWORTHY WORTHINESS. KUDO'S FREAKOMAN. YOU HAVE BEEN NOMINATED FOR CHARTER
MEMBERSHIP IN THE AMERICAN FREAK SOCIETY HALL OF FAME. WE DID HOWEVER TAKE
EXCEPTION TO YOUR SLY MOCKING OF OUR MAGNETIC POETRY KIT. ALTHOUGH NOT
MATERIALISTIC, BY NATURE, WE COVET THIS POSSESION MORE THAN ANY OTHER. WHY OUR
MAGNETIC POETRY KIT HAS ALLOWED TO CRAFT GEMS SUCH AS THE
FOLLOWING.............
KNEW
THIS FREAK, CAME FORM NEW PRAGUE
TO
GET STAGE TIME, HE HAD TO BEG
HE
WAS A SCOURGE, HE WAS A DREG
LAST
NAME ALLEN, FIRST NAME CRAIG
willy wadsworth
Rocky:
THE PERFECT 15 DAY
BANANA DIET GUARANTEE...........DAY 1 EAT AND DRINK ALL YOU WANT.........DAYS
2-10 200 MILLIGRAMS PURE KOREAN GINGSENG EXTRACT, 8 TWENTY OUNCE TUMBLERS OF
WATER (EITHER ICE OR REGULAR), AND ALL THE BANANAS YOU CAN
HANDLE.................DAY 11 - EAT AND DRINK ALL YOU WANT.........DAYS 12-14
200 MILLIGRAMS OF VIVARIN, SOME JUICE, AND ALL THE BANANAS YOU CAN
HANDLE...........DAY 15 EAT AND DRINK ALL YOU WANT.............GOOD LUCK AND
ENJOY!.................BANANA FOOTNOTES.........YOU DON'T WANT THEM
GREEN........YOU DON'T WANT THEM SALLOW.......AND FOR GODS SAKE, YOU DON'T WANT
NO BLACK SPOTS. YOU WANT EM YELLOW. PRETTY BANANA YELLOW. STICK A COUPLE BANANAS
IN THE FRIDGE. THEY'RE GREAT COLD. YOU DON'T GOTTA WASH EM. BANANA PEELS ARE
GERM PROOF. AND OH YA....BE SURE TO TAKE A MOMENT TO SMELL THE BANANA. BANANAS
SMELL GREAT. ESPECIALLY IF ITS YOUR BANANA. AND THAT'S FOR SURE.
Danny responds: Make
sure it is not a banana from Doug Stanhope's act.
Dave Mordal asks:
Where can I buy a green kite?
Rocky responds:
WHERE CAN I BUY A GREEN KITE? THAT'S IT? IS THIS THE
SAME DAVE MORDAL I'VE BEEN PESTERING FOR WEEKS TO SPICE THE AFS ACTION BOARD. WHERE
CAN I BUY A GREEN KITE? YOUR KIDDING RIGHT? IS THIS THE SAME DAVE MORDAL THE WON
FUNNIEST PERSON IN MINNESOTA CONTEST LAST YEAR? THE SAME IMPROVISATIONAL WIZARD
WHO'S NOTEBOOK I HAVE PERUSED IN AWE IN STILL WET INK? THE SAME DAVE MORDAL WHO
WRITES TEN MINUTES OF NEW AND CLEVER MATERIAL WEEKLY ON THE BROADEST RANGE OF
SUBJECTS IMAGINABLE? WHERE CAN I BUY A GREEN KITE? GEEZ, AH.....WHY DON'T YOU GO
TO THE KITE STORE? THEY GOT RED ONESx THEY GOT BLUE, PURPLE, AND ORANGE ONESx
THEY GOT EM WITH POLKA DOTS, STRIPES, AND RAINBOWSx THEY GOT MONOFILAMENT HI
TECH BOX KITES THAT CAPTURE CROWSx PLUS A SMART KITE THAT CUTS IT OWN STRING AND
FLYS TO THE AIRPORTx. WHERE CAN I BUY I GREEN KITE? C'MON DAVE MORDAL....HOW ABOUT AN
ESSAY ABOUT DICK CHENEY IN THE BONDAGE CAVE? HAVE HIM SUFFER TREMENDOUS
HUMILIATION...........ONLY TO RISE TO GLORY ON ELECTION DAYx OR MAYBE SOMETHING
DIFFERENTx
Dave responds:
Well, I really thought that my
question "Where do you buy a green kite?" was funny on so many
levels. First, as you all know, unless you've been living in a humiliation cave
with Dick Cheney, that I'm deathly afraid of long strings. So just the thought
of me putting away my fear and flying a long stringed kite would be hilarious.
Second, I haven't liked the color green since it screwed me over on a Canadian
fishing trip in '78. So I thought that was funny. And since we're on the subject
my friends, let me tell you that the color yellow will never let you down.
Never. Finally, there will be no October meeting of the American secret society.
I can't tell you how I know, but trust me. And the color yellow.
Black
Sunday
In the beginning there was Max Winter. He looked down on the frozen prairie and said, "Let there be football." And the NFL created the Vikings. The people of Minnesota looked down upon the Vikings and said that they were good. There was defense of an apocalyptic proportion. There were swarms of linemen who were unleashed onto quarterbacks and much havoc was wreaked. And there was scoring. Lots of scoring. For a prophet by name of Tarkenton had been sent to the frozen prairie to show the people the bounty and goodness that we call the long bomb.
And the people of Minnesota saw that it was good.
But the children of Max Winter had become proud. They partook in days of tailgating and Packer-bashing. They became drunk on division championships and began to think of themselves as "the chosen people." And they came to worship a false idol made of stone and fuzz. And they called the idol "Bud."
The children danced around the idol and and offered it praise for hollow playoff victories. And this angered the
Creator so that a plague of Super Bowls was descended unto them. The children suffered greatly during the Super Bowls and even more afterwards when they were banished to a cave made of teflon and
astroturf. And with time they lost their pride and their venomous tongues. And they became truly repentant for they saw the error of their ways. And they smashed the idol using the jawbone of an ass. (Then for some inexplicable reason they brought it back a year later and then finally got the message.)
And a prophet named Mike Lynn was sent unto the children of the frozen tundra for he had been chosen to lead them out of darkness. And the children embraced the one they called Mike Lynn and listened to his teachings. But Lynn was wicked for he was begotten of a serpent and a wayward
shepard. He had more interest in riches than in serving the pigskin gods. He started wars and he turned the children against each other by offering them a the promise of false glory. That false promise would come to be known as "Herschel."
And the heavens tried once again to cleanse the children of the hump. They sent an angry angel to Minnesota who wrote this message in blood on the wall of the
Metrodome: "You have forsaken your Creator. For this there will be a passover. And on the night of this
passover, and on the night of each passover for the next five years, you will bring to me your first born draft pick as a punishment for your sins."
The children of the tundra suffered greatly under the passovers. So bleak was their plight that the weakest of spirit donned cloaks made of green and gold and threw themselves on their own swords. For the passover had thinned the herd inside the dome such that the species almost died out. It was a time of darkness. The dead walked in the form of Wade Wilson and Jim McMahon. A great stench filled the air and televisions fell black.
The children waited for their savior and learned to like baseball.
And then, on a cold winter night, a spotlight appeared in the sky. That light guided people to an Old Country Buffet. And there, wrapped in a vinyl booth, appeared to the children a chubby vision. He had come to the smorgasboard because there was not room enough for him at the inn. The children gave him gifts in the form of Moss, Cullpepper and Berger. And the plump one said, "I will deliver you unto the Super Bowl. My father's house has many skyboxes. And there is one for you if you believe. "
And the children rejoiced, despite the fact that they had been down this path before. The savior performed miracles. He set scoring records and made a winner out of Randall Cunningham and won scores of meaningless games. He brought the team to the brink of the Super Bowl but, could not control what he had created. It has been said that it is easier for a camel to pass through the eye of a needle than it is for the Vikings to win the big one. For when they came within one field goal the Creator said unto the Savior, "I shall deliver this kick to you but, you must promise that your kicker will not look up as it passes through the goal posts." As the kick went up, it appeared to be true. But the will of the kicker was weak and he could not turn his eyes away from the goalposts. And as he watched the kick sail wide he was turned into a pillar of salt.
And the chubby one said, "Hey, that was pretty close. I promise we'll do it next year."
And the children were skeptical again but, what choice did they have really?
So they wandered in the desert for an entire season. And when they finally reached water, in the form of a wildcard game the chubby one said to them, "You can't really expect me to beat St. Louis."
Ours is a forgiving Creator. He looked down upon the four-time losers of the north and told them, "I will give you one more chance." He arranged for Rams to be sacrificed and for Titans to be slain in order to make way for another Super Bowl. On the eve of the big game a great supper was held and the Savior feasted on poultry, wine and other substances rich with tryptophan and sulfites. And the Creator saw the feasting and said to him, "Put the fork down for a minute. You have a big game tomorrow." But the Savior chuckled and said, "This one's in the bag already. Pass me another drumstick." And the Creator felt betrayed. And he said unto the insolent one, "before the rooster crows three times tomorrow, the Giants will be up 14-zip."
And so it came to pass. A purple bloodbath took place. The sky opened up and it rained touchdowns upon the secondary. A swarm of yellow flags engulfed the Vikings. And the meek inherited the NFC Championship.
The children of the prairie ran dazed into the street and cried out for mercy. But there was no mercy. For the Creator had grown tired of granting chance after chance to the foolish team that refused to listen. And the earth stood still. And all living creatures trembled in fear. And the Creator looked down from the heavens and cried out, "Oh, Minnesota. Where is your Super Bowl now?"
Suq
Contact
Rocky
|