The Mild File

Jokes Only a Grandmother Could Love

Licked an ashtray last night. That was disappointing. Tasted nothing like kissing a smoker.

When I was seven years old I developed the fear of flying. One broken leg was all it took to convince me that I wasn’t really Peter Pan.

I never waste my money on Miracle Grow again. Totally screwed up my Bonsai Tree.

I went on a bus tour last summer. Didn't take me long to walk through that.  

I have a friend who's an extreme migrant worker. He grows tumbleweeds.

Some guy came up to me and says, "Can I ask you a rhetorical question?" And I thinking, am I supposed to answer that? 

I use to be a proof reader. Now it doesn’t matter what the alcohol content, I’ll drink it.

I thought I saw an angel last night. Turns out it was just one of those really large moths. Good thing too because it was a black one.

My landlord called and told me he was raising my rent. I thought, well that’s nice of him, I wasn’t going to be able to come up with it on my own this month. Anybody want to chip in, I think he has a fund going.

A while back a friend of mine got that caller ID. I’ve been meaning to ask him how he likes it but I haven't been able to get a hold of him since.

My girlfriend just got her handwriting analyzed. Found out that she’s illiterate.

There's a magic shop where I live. Well, sometimes its there and some times it's not.

Saw this guy on the side of the road with a sign “will work for food,” so I gave him a coconut.

I have a friend who’s a pro boxer. He works at the end of an assembly line.

I thought I saw Brett Farve today. Turns out it was just some guy wearing his jersey.

My neighbor lady's a witch. She turned my best friend into a frog. That was mean. He loved being a tadpole.

I wish that I were invisible. Maybe if I were like my girlfriend, people would stop making fun of us when we're together.

I’ve never had very good balance, you know, when it comes to chemicals in the brain. Mom used to refer to me as the fruitcake of her loins.

They say you can’t have too much of a good thing. I wish I would’ve been part of that study.

I have a checkered past. I used to play a lot of Monopoly too.

My girlfriend is quite the looker. She is always checking out the guys. 

My girlfriend thinks I should be more understanding. I don’t know why.

I have a friend who's an astronomer. He can spot a planet a million miles away.

Do you know what I hate about Bill Gates? He never calls.

They say gambling is a sin. I’m betting god will forgive me. 

Looking at the bright side gives me an eyestrain headache.

The early worm gets eaten.

I believe I’m on a mission from God. He wants me to just blend in.

I’m constantly traveling. Every year I go around the sun.

There is a saying  "greed rules the world." I'm trying to get it copyrighted.

I've had trouble sleeping lately. My new boss keeps a close eye on me.

I found God. He has a chat room on the Internet. His earth name is Stanley.

I have been having transmission problems lately. No one seems to be getting my telepathic messages.

I try and do what I can to help those that are less fortunate than I am. Luckily they're hard to find.