Musings   

Rocky offers some thoughts and posts those of our readers. (message board for the AFS with pretty colors)

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When you are as deeply in debt as I am you don't spend alot of time
worrying about identity theft. In fact you kinda hope for it. When it
don't happen, you post your social security number on telephone poles.
You wanna be me? Hell, I am offering a reward! 399-66-6126

greenkite express

The reason I am the way that I am is because I looked at velcro through
microscope. Try this and you will better understand how it works, but
you will never be the same.

greenkite express

I know Tom Arnold. Tom Arnold is a friend of mine. But a little message
to the Best Damn Sports Show Period. Check out this little thing on ESPN
they call Sportscenter, then get real, drop the period and insert a
question mark til your rigged poll is published.   

greenkite express

Sometimes people ask me for my best joke. That's a no-brainer. The White
Sox haven't won the World Series since 1918. The Red Sox haven't won the
World Series since 1908. The Black Sox threw the World Series and pretty
much got contacted, so it your thinking about naming your team after
clothing....DON'T PICK SOX!!
editors note: shortly after this joke was  published the Red Sox
actually won the World Series making this joke as tired as yesterdays
news. Thanks alot Red Sox!

greenkite express

The other day I saw a couple of midgets playing miniature golf. I'm surprised you don't see that more often. 

Vile File Guy

The Queer Eye fashion guy is dead set against wire hangers so I got rid
of all of mine and right away locked my keys in the car, thanks a lot
Carson!

greenkite express

vek writes: OK here are my rates because i have never had a joke writing
job before. Clean jokes $8/joke. Clean jokes with three sentences $16/
joke. Dirty jokes with two sentences$18/joke. dirty jokes with two
sentences and two long words $20/joke.

Hiya:

A Mr. "Dwight York" of "Anytown. USA" informs me that I syhould drop y'all a line, as I am quite probably (in his opinion) a charter member of this here afs...

Having worked w/Dwight earlier this year, having a semi-erratic email relationship since, having peered into his tiny li'l brain cavity more than once... I would say he oughta know :)

Anyway, I'm a chick classic-rock radio jock with the sultry tones, as well as a fairly twisted comedienne who keeps writing song parodies where the chick shoots the guy, and a big major fan of young Dwitghtie's.  So I guess I truly am a Freak.  If the clown shoes fit, wear 'em.

Also the only comic books I ever collected were the Fat Freddie's Cat spinoffs from the Fabulous Furry Freak Brothers.  Just Fat Freddie's Cat.

All the very best,
Diana B. Wilde
(because nobody care if Diana B. Functional, or Diana B. Normal...)

Rocky Responds:

Thank you for the info on Tony Curtis. There was a movie star by that name also.
I never Met him, but I understand he was kind to his cats. I think that shows character.
I like to show my character by rearranging pebbles on a beach. I like to get there early before the tourists. Then when the arrive, the beach looks all nice and orderly.
I think it's sad that mother nature can fuck up a beach and then I have to go and do all that work. I would kill mother nature if given half the chance. She's screwed in the head I think.

We no longer carry our knitting needles onboard unless we can complete
our afghan before we reach our destination, too many loose ends.

greenkite express

       A POTENTIAL SOLUTION TO OUR ENERGY WOES
Recently I was in living room after doing the dishes, when a strange
droning noise erupted from the kitchen. The cause was a mystery, but I
lazily hoped it would just go away. But it didn't. In fact,, the noise
grew louder and louder, eventually forcing me to investigate. And lo and
behold, my little 99 cent warped bottomed frying pan was pressing
against the drain, shimmying violently. Perhaps three inches of water
remained in the sink. A cup or so of water in the warped bottom frying
pan had taken to the form of dancing droplets. It shook at an even more
exaggerated rate as the water level lowered. An amazing amount of energy
ensued. Water splashed against the refrigerator. It splashed onto my
shirt. Several droplets traveled three feet hitting me square tin the
face. As the last of the water swirled down the drain, the frying pan
settled quietly to rest. This was Suction Power in its most pure and
simplified form. And the cost of creating all this energy? Zero. Water
is free at my apartment. So is gravity. Impact to the environment... a
little dish soap. Immediately, I imagined 100 ten foot warped bottomed
frying pans with rubberized bottoms to reduce noise pollution vibrating
where the coal  and nuclear plants once sat. I hoped I had stumbled
across something which would change the world as we know it in a
positive way forever. But I'm not sure. Suction Power may or may not be
the answer. But the message is clear. Focus on research and development.
The answer may be all  around us.

greenkite express

A LITTLE WARNING TO THE CROCODILE HUNTER................One time I was
watching Circus of the Stars and Wilt Chamberlain stuck his head in a
lion mouth and the lion chomped it off. At 5' 10" Wilt was finally able
to meet some women face to face. Meanwhile, the lions stomach "yearned"
for just one more NBA championship. BE CAREFUL STEVE!!!!!

greenkite express

Hello?   Hello?   This is the worst chat room I've ever been in.
Where is the new waitress of the week? I check here all the time hoping to
see a waitress that I've had sex with, but it's always the same waitress. Is
she that good?
Hello?

Anonymous: Why are soapboxes so damned hard to find? Sure I can find one made out of
cardboard, but they are EXTREMELY hard to stand on. Unsafe comes to mind.
This country needs to get back to some basic's, like manufacturing wooden
soapboxes again. What will we leave our children? Nothing but soapbox stories
if you ask me. Maybe some enterprising young man will start making these things again and
add little wooden hand rails to make them safer. Hopefully that person will
make millions of dollars off of them and give me yet another story to hand
down to the neighbor kids during a sidebar from my "stay away from my wife"
speech. A safe, esthetically pleasing, wooden soapbox with hand rails. I don't think
that's too much to ask.  

WOMEN LIKE IT WHEN YOU LOOK INTO THEIR EYES WHEN YOU TALK TO THEM, BUT
THAT'S HARD FOR ME. SO INSTEAD, I GAZE AT THEIR EYELASHES. AND WHEN THEY
START BLINKING, I START NODDING........ AND THEY THINK I AM AGREEING
WITH THEM. AND I WONDER IF THEY THINK THAT I  THINK THAT THEIR
PUPILS ARE 3/8THS INCHES HIGHER AND LOWER EVEN THEN THEY THINK THEY ARE.

greenkite express

DECEMBER 7TH, 2001. I DID A LITTLE COMEDY SKIT AT THE VFW LAST NIGHT AND
OPENED WITH "WORLD WAS II WAS SIXTY YEARS AGO, LET IT GO PEOPLE!" IT'S
HARD FOR ME TO DESCRIBE HOW MY LITTLE COMEDY SKIT AT THE VFW WENT OVER.
I GUESS IT WAS KINDA LIKE JAPANESE TOURISTS AT THE 1941 HULA BOWL.
BELIEVE ME, YOU DIDN'T WANT TO BE THERE.

greenkite express

I READ IN A TABLOID THAT TOMMY LEE SOMETIMES COVERS HIS TV SCREEN WITH
SUNTAN LOTION, POPS IN AN OLD BAYWATCH TAPE.......AND STARTS WHACKING
INNOCENT BIKINI CLAD BLONDES WITH "MOTLEY THE VELVET HEADED MONSTER."
BUT I DON'T KNOW IF IT IS TRUE.

greenkite express

greenkite express

The Cat Said

I WAS MARRIED ONCE. ROLLERCOASTER BRIDE SOLICITING FREE RIDES, GROOM
LAST IN LINE. THE SLUT FACTOR FACTORED EARLY. NOWDAYS I DON'T EXPECT
MUCH FROM MY CHICKS, EXCEPT THAT THEY WEAR THEIR THONGS A COUPLE SIZES
TOO SMALL SO I CAN SNAP THE ELASTIC WHEN THEIR NAUGHTY. I'M A CONTROL
FREAK WHAT CAN I SAY......CEPT SORRY WHEN I LEAVE A MARK.

greenkite express

A SEXY COWGIRL ASKED ME IF I 'LOVED COUNTRY'. 'WELL, I NEVER LOVED A RAINY NIGHT, BUT I ALWAYS APPRECIATED A DRY EVENING WITH A SLIGHT POSSIBILITY OF WETNESS'. AND IF THAT SEXY COWGIRL WOULDN'T HAVE BEEN MRS. EDDIE RABBIT'.... I MIGHT NOT HAVE GOTTEN SLAPPED.

greenkite express

     A PRETTY SONGBIRD ONCE SANG: 'OLD MAN TURNED NINTY-EIGHT -- WON THE
LOTTERY AND DIED THE NEXT DAY.' AND LIKE THE FIRST TIME ZELBY GREENKITE
SEEN A PERSON DIGGING THROUGH THE TRASH FOR A LOST LOTTERY TICKET. THERE
IS A FINE LINE BETWEEN IRONY AND IGNORATIO ELENCHI. FOR MANY, SEEING
LOTTERY NUMBERS BROADCAST ON TV NEWS SOMEHOW LEGITIMIZES THE WHOLE
THING. IT ALMOST MAKES THE LOTTERY SEEM RIGHTEOUS. NUMBERS POPPING UP ON
PING PONG BALLS TRUTHFULLY THOUGH IS SO UNNEWSWORTHY IT ISN'T EVEN
FUNNY. A LOT OF PEOPLE ARE GETTING TIRED OF LOOKING AT THEM. AS SOON AS
THEY COME ON, ZELBY  TURNS THE CHANNEL. AND ANY CELEBRITY WHO ALIGNS
THEMSELVES WITH A CASINO FOR THEIR PERSONAL MONETARY GAIN, THEN CAJOLES HIS OR HER FANS TO GAMBLE AT THAT CASINO KNOWING FULL WELL THE VAST MAJORITY WILL LOSE A SMALL, MAJOR, OR ALL OF THEIR HARD EARNED PAYCHECKS -- SHOULD BE IN SEARCH OF NEW FANS. I'LL GET OFF MY PULPIT NOW.

greenkite express

dear subdivision block watch commander,

my name is clive and i like to peek, alot. last monday the york family&, um sorry , york clan was my latest victim. i feel bad, no one deserves to see an out of shape man with all his body hair waxed off, trying to ask directions to the library, so he can borrow a book on u.f.o. abductions and the worlds top ten ommelot recipes. its not fair and im sorry. but there really isnt a need to armoral the trophies every day. um maybe an a day b day gym class routine could be used. gotta go theres some perky A's on oak st.

clive baxturd, esc

*thank you for publishing my journal entries. i thought maybe the rummage sale bit may have been rough for some virgin ears to handle.

I DON'T GIVE A HOOT ABOUT RAMP METERS BUT DO STRONGLY BELIEVE THAT THE D.O.T. SHOULD PLANT POTATOS ALONGSIDE THE HIGHWAYS IN THE SUMMERTIME AND HARVEST THE SURPLUS IN THE FALL FOR FUNDS TO SALT THE ROADS IN THE WINTERTIME AND IN THE SPRINGTIME IT WOULD ALL WASH OFF AND WE'D HAVE
ALREADY SALTY POTATOS. IS ANYBODY WITH ME? >>>>>>>>>>> COMING 1-5-01
madonna's suicide note

greenkite express

 response: isn't "potatos" spelled with an "e" ? how about we grow tomatos, too, then we could have our fries with ketchup. 

DAN QUAYLE

 CSA Winner: Thanks to all the Freaks and wannabees for helping a dream come true. I would like to accept the Cletus Snow Award on behalf of those who made my gloating possible. It wouldn't be worth winning if it weren't for you sorry ass lifeless fuckers.

snapper - two card total of 21, a blackjack, the game of                                         blackjack
THE GAME OF SNAPPER IS LIKE A BEAUTIFUL WOMAN; WHO AFTER ON NIGHT OF
ECSTACY, SNUBS YOU. THAT ONE NIGHT THOUGH, WAS UNFORGETTABLE. A NIGHT
YOU WOULD LIKE TO RELIVE JUST ONE MORE TIME. SO YOU GO BACK. AND AS TIME
GOES ON......THE SNUBBINGS BECOME DRUBBINGS. IT'S A LOPSIDED
RELATIONSHIP. SHE NO LONGER GIVES. SHE ONLY TAKES, AND SHE TAKES. IN AN
ATTEMPT TO REGAIN A SEMBLANCE OF PRIDE YOU SWEAR OFF OF HER FOR GOOD.
YOU'VE DONE THIS MANY TIMES. YOU STAY AWAY. YOU FEEL BETTER. STRONGER.
THINGS ILL BE DIFFERENT THE NEXT TIME. YOUR SURE OF THAT. BUT SHE HURTS
YOU. IF YOU GIVE HER ANOTHER CHANCE - SHE'LL HURT YOU AGAIN.
MAKE NO MISTAKE. WHEN THE GAME OF SNAPPER IS SWEET - IT CAN BE VERY 
SWEET. SNAPPER HAS ENTICED.... SNAPPER HAS FOOLED....
SNAPPER HAS LEFT ZELBY GREENKITE A VERY HUMBLE MAN.

greenkite express

Dear Rocky: I need to tell you that I am against the use of a lot of colors. I
believe that colors in this world are a finite resource. That is why I dress
so bland. I do not want to be known as someone who used up too many colors.
Someday all the colors will be gone because of our wanton and indiscriminate
            use of them. When I see anyone dressed very brightly, I always think,                 "What a color pig!".
Please join me in black and white dress so our grandchildren will not be
robbed of bright colors in the future.
My biggest fear is someday, you and I will only see colors in a museum. My
second biggest fear is calligraphy, and my third biggest fear is museums.
Thank you for your concern.

David D. Mordal

Dwight notes: I find Dave's last posting a bit hypocritical. I've seen his red sports car and jacket with the flag on the back. I wouldn't be surprised if he owned argyle socks. I bet you search his room and you will find crayons! Lots of crayons! 

Imagine two: I have been a member of the AFS now for over two months but this morning I woke and felt not so freaky. I wonder if Rocky ever feels this way? The following is a forced attempt on my part to write a musing. I hope it makes us all feel little more freaky.

I wish money grew on trees. Then I would never have to rake leaves. Also lumberjacks wouldn't cut down trees to make paper so we would have to make it out of hemp and there would be much more marijuana in the world and lots more forests and thus lots more cute furry critters and much cheaper dope. And there would be so much money in the world bad guys wouldn't have to rob people and I could leave my bike unlocked when I go to the store.

Willy (with the frogs)

 SOMEBODY ASKED ME IF 'I LIKE RAP MUSIC' AND I KNOW IT'S IMPOLITE TO ANSWER A QUESTION WITH A QUESTION BUT "WOULD THE REAL EMINEM PLEASE SHUT-UP.....PLEASE SHUT-UP."
SEE YOU AT WRIGLEY,
SAMMY

Baxter: it both frightens and intriges me that a) i cant spell and b) dwight york is 
able to be that close to the mega moos at the university. as a future parent 
of a 14 year old asian boy i am appalled how easy it is for d york to mingle 
with the ladies when the court order clearly reads he is not to be near 
young attractive students who could fall for one of his''hey do you want to 
sign my yearbook'' lines. someone who plays poker with hairbeads and 
rubberbands as currency should keep his creapy brand of high brow bits in 
the dark corners of uncle mikes yak shack, not on the campas's of america. i 
have to go now, i forgot to put the lid on my ether jar and am getting 
verry slll ee p y.

date dec.24, 2000 >>>> place minnesota >>>> ALL THE BUGS ARE FROZEN,
STREET PEOPLE GONE SOUTH, HARD NIPS GALORE......I LIKE WINTER!!! THOUGH
I AM GETTING TIRED OF HEARING 'COLD ENOUGH FOR YA?'......'COLD ENOUGH
FOR YA?'........"NO, I LIKE IT WHEN MY DICK FREEZES TO MY LEG
ASSHOLE!!!"......if only the heater in my car worked and the vikings
would win the super bowl, all would be right in the modern world.

GREENKITE EXPRESS

Rocky: LETS FACE IT. SANDLOTTERY 2000 HAS LAGGED ON LONGER THAN BUSH/GORE 2000. CONGRADULATONS ON BECOMING THE FIRST PLAYER IN ANY SPORTS PRESCIENCE GAME TO ACTUALLY PICK A CHAMPION. HOWEVER, THIS TIME AROUND THE YANKEES WERE NOT ENOUGH. ALL I NEED IS YOUR CONCESSION AND I WILL BE ABLE TO CLEAR SOME SPACE ON MY BULLETIN BOARD.
gothic mr. freeze 

greenkite express

Response Letter to the commissioner (Dwight) and all other contestants (Rocky) of the Sand Lottery:

This past summer we had a contest. As in all contests there can be only one winner. However, our democratic system says, rather insists, that a winner be chosen fairly. I am sure that my opponents agree with me on that.

The Sand Lottery Contest was a contest about picking winners. The winner of the sand lottery should be someone who has picked "the winner" Only one contestant picked "the winner" of the entire 2000 Major League Baseball season. That contestant was me. 

I know that there are other rules governing the Sand Lottery competition but, I think we need to keep in mind the true spirit of the game. Sports is not about losing. My opponents would have you think that because they picked teams that lost their division, they should be annointed the winner. When I look at the Sand Lottery constitution and bylaws I see that the words "loser" and "winner" are exact opposites. The spirit of Sand Lottery is picking "a Champion." America loves a champion.

That is why I have authorized my team of legal experts to challenge the Sand Lottery decision al the way to the commissioner's office (loud cheering heard in background). I insist that only winners be counted in the official Sand Lottery results. 

My fellow Americans, I know that what I am doing is unprecedented but, I also know in my heart that it is the right thing to do and that most of you are on my side. That I why I promise to you that I will fight on until I no longer have a chad dangling from me. (Chants of "Suq 2000" heard in background).

Hopefully, we will have this settled quickly, honestly and in the spirit of sportsmanship. Thank you, and God Bless games of sports prescience.

Suq

AN OPEN LETTER TO THE COMMISSIONER

DEAR SIR, IN RESPONSE TO SANDLOTTERY 2000'S RUNNER-UPS PETITION TO
CHANGE THE RULES OF THE GAME AFTER THHE GAME IS OVER ..... GLIP, GLOP, LOOP, PHOOEY PATOOEY!!!! IF POST GAME RULE CHANGES DICTATED PREGAME RESULTS - LOSERS MAY HAVE HOPE, BUT WINNERS WOULD BASK IN UNEASY. THIS IS THE UNITED STATES OFAMERICA. AND I AM HAPPY TO LIVE IN A LAND BASED ON THE LAW OF THE LAND. MUD DANCER SEEMS VERY PROUD OF HIS YANKESS PICK. IT WAS A GOOD PICK. BUT FAR FROM THE BEST I HAVE EVER SEEN. THE YANKEES HAVE WON 27 CHAMPIONSHIPS SINCE MY PICK (red sox) HAVE WON ONE. STILL, COMPREGINSIVE GAMES OF SPORTS PRESCIENCE IS JUST THAT. IT SURELY MUST HAVE BEEN DIFFICULT FOR THE RUNNER-UP TO LOSE SANDLOTTERY ON THE 162ND GAME. (WHEN MY OAKLAND A'S TOOK THE WEST AND KEVIN BROWN PROVED ERA KING.) NOT TO MENTION SAMMY SOSA EDGING BARRY BONDS 51 TO 50 FOR THE HOMERUN TITLE GIVING ME 701 POINTS. (THANK-YOU SAMMY. I LOVE YOU.) BUT
MUD DANCER'S SOUR GRAPE PETITIONING OF THE COMMISIONER TO ELIMINATE LAST PLACE POINTS IS JUST SO LAUGHABLE. AFTERALL, THIS IS THE ONLY PLACE THE COMMISIONER EVEN SCORED. STILL HE IS A JUST AND FAIR MAN.
LISTEN TO THEM WHINE WHEN I WIN PIGSKIN GAME 2000. QUOTING JOHN MADDEN DURING FOX'S COVERAGE OF THE COLTS VIKING TILT ON WEEK 17.
"I DON'T KNOW ONE PERSON WHO THOUGHT THE GIANTS WERE GOING TO BE THIS
GOOD, NOT ONE COACH, NOT ONE PLAYER, NOT ONE MEDIA MEMBER. NO ONE KNEW
THE NEW YORK GIANTS WERE GOING TO BE THIS GOOD."
HE OBVIOUSLY DID NOT SEE MY PIGSKIN GAME 2000 SCORESHEET. GIANTS FIRST
PLACE. COLLINS QB RATINGS LEADER. TOMMER RECEPTIONS. DAYNE YARDAGE AND
ROOKIE OF THE YEAR. COLLINS MVP. FASSEL COACH OF THE YEAR.
MY NAME IS ROCKY JOHNSON. AND I AM PROUD TO SEE THE FUTURE.

greenkite express

WITH BUT ONE TICK REMAINING ON THE CLOCK AND THE GREEN BAY PACKERS
HOLDING THE BALL ON THERE OWN ONE YARD LINE, BIGFOOT WALKED ONTO THE FIELD TO ATTEMPT A 99 YARD FIELD GOAL AGANST THE WIND..........THE SNAP WAS HIGH. WITH LAWRENCE TAYLOR CHARGING HARD AFTER A SLEEK INSIDE GEEK MOVE, THE HOLDER BROUGHT HE BALL DOWN. BIGFOOT STEPPED FORWARD UNLEASHING A BEAUTIFUL END OVER END SOCCER STYLE KICKED MADE FAMOUS BY HIS EUROPEAN ANCESTORS WHICH TAYLOR JUST MISSED BLOCKING. UNFORTUNATELY FOR THE PERRENIAL ALL-PRO, BIGFOOT'S FOLLOW THROUGH WITH HIS STEEL TOED BOOT NAILED HIM SQUARELY ON THE SIDE OF HIS HELMET SEVERING HIS HEAD FROM HIS BODY. FIRST THE FOOTBALL SPLIT THE UPRIGHTS, SECURING THE PACKERS UPSET VICTORY. THE HELMET FOLLOWED. AND THEN; TO THE SELLOUT CROWD'S SHOCK AND AMAZEMENT, TAYLOR'S HEAD BOUNCED OFF THE GOALPOSTS LEFT UPRIGHT LANDING ON HIS FAVORITE CHEERLEADER'S LAP. "OH MY GOD LAWRENCE," SHE SHRIEKED IN HORROR, "THAT DAMN BIGFOOT BROKE YOUR NOSE!"

greenkite express

Excerpt from the "Researcher's Log" in Resident Evil:

Fever gone but itchy.
Hungry and eat doggie food.
Itchy itchy Scott came.
Ugly face so killed him.
Tasty.

Gil

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