Vile File Audio Downloads -- By Permission only -- Copyright 2000 by Dwight York

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Telephone Call In Jokes

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1. My girlfriend has a weird deformity. One of her breasts is larger than the other two.

2. I woke up once from being passed out at a party and some guy was blowing me. So naturally I beat the little fag up just as soon as he was finished.

3. I caught my girlfriend giving a hummer to a midget. Can’t believe she’d stoop that low!

4. I got an erection at a nude beach once. How embarrassing! There wasn’t a woman in sight.

5. I refused to have sex with my girlfriend the other night because she was half in the bag. It has to be completely over her head for me to get turned on.

6. Met a guy from Montana who said trying to recall the number of sex partners he’s had makes him sleepy. The same thing happens to me when I count sheep.

7. My girlfriend claims that the best sex we ever had was the time I wore a ski mask and came in through the bedroom window pretending to be a burglar. I have no idea what she’s talking about.

8. I’ve been really busy lately. The woman I’m stalking just got a second job.

9. I can’t make love to my girl friend doggy style because she has a bad back. She can get up on all fours; I just don’t like looking at it.

10. Apparently my dentist is concerned about contracting aids. He makes me wear a condom.

11. I’ve got a high frequency sound wave device that’s supposed to rid your home of rodents. I turned it on the other night and the gay guy in the apartment next to mine had to be rushed to the hospital.

12. For me it feels strange to be handcuffed during sex. I’m more used to being handcuffed a couple of days later.

13. My girlfriend thinks I’m insensitive. I appreciate the effort but I wish she’d be more careful with her teeth.

14. Almost lost at strip poker the other night. How embarrassing! I was down to my bra and panties.

15. When it comes to oral sex, my girlfriend doesn’t want me to finish in her mouth, which is obvious from her technique.

16. I have a wimpy little friend who just got sent to prison. I’ll bet he’s taking it hard.

17. I saw a speed limit sign in front of a school that read 25 M.P.H. when flashing. How are the kids supposed to see you naked if you don’t get out of the car?

18. Sex can be a good cardiovascular workout -- especially if your partner is unwilling.

19. I went down to the sperm bank hoping to make a donation but apparently it needs to be in some special container.

20. Did you know that you can buy a hummer in prison with cigarettes? For me quitting was never easier.

21. I think there’s a dead cat in a storage locker at my apartment building. This long without food and water, it would be a miracle if he were still alive.

22. Halloween is my favorite holiday. It’s the one time a year you get to drink goat’s blood.

23. My girlfriend claims that her last boyfriend was a better kisser than me and I have to admit, he is pretty good.

24. My girlfriend has a lot of nerve, especially in the back of her throat.

25. My last girlfriend was quite a catch. From her I got syphilis, gonorrhea and athlete’s foot.

26. The last thing a woman wants to hear is that she’s fat. I always save it for the break-up speech.

Joke of the Day: With  Music, Announcer, and Sound Effects

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1. I went down to the sperm bank hoping to make a donation but apparently it needs to be in some special container.

2. We were mean when we were little. Like we used to tease this one kid because he wore braces. I mean it was bad enough he could barely walk.

3. I’ll never forget my first threesome. It happened by pure luck. We were playing spin the bottle and I got the Siamese twins.

4. I brought home a woman from the bar last night but ended up passing out on the couch. Must’ve grabbed the wrong drink.

5. I got an erection at a nude beach once. How embarrassing! There wasn’t a woman in sight.

6. I get annoyed when houseguests take long hot showers -- fogs up my hidden camera lens.

7. Almost lost at strip poker the other night. How embarrassing! I was down to my bra and panties.

8. I have a wimpy little friend who just got sent to prison. I’ll bet he’s taking it hard.

9. My girlfriend claims that her last boyfriend was a better kisser than me and I have to admit, he is pretty good.

10. My last girlfriend was quite a catch. From her I got syphilis, gonorrhea and athlete’s foot.